Monthly Archives: October 2009

Getting personal

I’m 24 and that puts me right in the age range of the majority of my peer group doing things like finishing their master’s degrees or further solidifying their hold on the direction they want their careers to go. Me? I’m a stay at home mom, and let me tell you, that doesn’t happen often to people who are 24.

I never intended to be a mom at 23. I had just gotten married and was set to enjoy a few years of life being about just me and my husband, all the while finishing a grad program and eventually buying our first home. You know, the things you’re supposed to do. What I failed to take note of though, was that once you’re married, all bets about a baby are off. Sure you can take preventative measures, but there are no guarantees that once you have a regular sex partner that a baby won’t be far behind. Hello Gavin!

Lately, I’ve found that I’ve been having a hard time letting my old friends into my new life. It’s not like those girls aren’t trying or that they changed — I changed. It was me. It’s taken a few months for me to pin point exactly what I think changed, but I think I’ve finally got a handle on it: I was a little embarrassed about my life.

See, everyone’s off doing such cool things: traveling, grad school, the city life. You name it and I can name a girlfriend of mine who’s doing it. I no longer felt like I had anything to contribute to conversations. I honestly thought, “Your life is so different than mine! You’re being promoted/studying something amazing/going to Tibet! Why would you possibly want to hear about my life at home with my baby?” Thus began the downward spiral into the darkest self-inflected introversion period I’ve ever experienced. Please understand, while we got pregnant way before we anticipated, I didn’t despise becoming a mom and I love my child; I just honestly didn’t know how to merge my new life with my old one and instead I chose to shut down from people who wanted to be my support system.

Long story short, I’ve started the climb out of that hole and the biggest thing I’m coming away with is that it’s okay for me to feel like I’m doing something exciting, too. I birthed and am raising a human being, for heavens sake! What’s small about that?! My life might not be what I imagined it would, but honestly, I think it’s turned into a much better version of what I ever imagined. My son is healthy, my husband loves me, and we have a happy home. Those are things that I know now to never consider trivial. I love that I’m finally, completely in a place where I can say that and know in my heart that I mean it.

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