Lately I feel as though I’m not doing enough. I can’t keep my house clean for more than 4 hours, I have laundry that’s just been sitting in baskets waiting to be folded… and it’s been 3 days! When I’m at work, all I can think of is my son and how someone else is watching him and when I’m at home, I’m thinking about how tired and frustrated I am that I can’t keep it all together! As a wife, mom, teacher, youth worker, and friend I am a big, fat FAIL.
If you’re reading this you’re probably thinking, “Hey lady. Get off the internet and get to it!” I know. I’m thinking it, too. It’s just that if I were to start housework when I get home from school sites then I would feel like I’m never not working. So this is me, not working. And still obsessing about needing to get work done. (There’s also a good chance that I’m feeling guilty that I’m doing this from my bedroom while my husband is playing Guitar Hero by himself in the living room. He asked if I wanted to, too, but I’m just. so. tired. Like I said, FAIL.)
It makes me sad that I can’t do all of this. I know that I’m not supposed to be perfect, but to be honest, there’s not a whole lot I’m responsible for. Basically, it comes down to being a wife, mom, housekeeper, and teacher and I can think of lots of people who do far more than I do! So why can’t I just pull it together and feel like I’m actually doing a decent job at my life instead of constantly feeling like I’m just barely squeaking by? I feel like I’m cheating my husband and son out of something in the form of a wife/mom who always has the house cleaned, meals prepped and keeps a smile on. Not me. I want that to be me, but it just isn’t so.
While I’m frustrated that my efforts don’t feel like they’re good enough, I know I’m doing my best. And my husband, wonderful man that he is, knows it, too. (At least, that’s what he says when I’m crying about all of this. Again. For the 64th time in 2 weeks.) I just wish that “my best” was producing an outcome that I can stand proud of instead of constantly feeling like I have to apologize for whatever I might be lacking in that day. Sometimes it’s not having dinner prepared at a decent time — if even at all. Other times it’s that clean laundry has been sitting out for 3 days and Gavin’s legos haven’t seen the inside of their container in 4.
I wonder if I’ll always feel like this. Like I’m constantly coming up short.
I hope not.
2 Corinthians 12:9 says, “My grace is sufficient for you. My strength is made perfect in your weakness.” There are days when I easily believe this and days when I’m not quite as sure. In those days, I cling to Him even tighter and am thankful all the more than I’m smothered in grace. He is always enough, even when I’m not.